So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am midnight drunk by noon
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
