If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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