I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
