What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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