I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
