no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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