i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
