how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
