I need to stop coming to work sober
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
