Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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