I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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