The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
