Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
