Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
