i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
