I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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