I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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