I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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