We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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