my phone needs a breathalizer
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
