My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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