Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
