i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
