New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
