i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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