one might say we're banned from that church
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
