I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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