i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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