im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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