Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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