Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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