how can u be prego again
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You ruined the universe
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
