Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
