Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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