if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
