I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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