people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
