i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
