Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize