who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
