why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
