Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
