just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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