Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
