I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
