He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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