he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
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Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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