when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
