i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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