how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so let's talk penis.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
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I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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