is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
