dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
