I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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