made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
