In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
