You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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