I cannot find my penis.
It's Friday. Sex?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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