my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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