i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
