I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You can't motorboat a personality
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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