Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she peed on how many people?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
